Road to Revolution:
the journey of ‘Without You’

Earlier in this year I was having conversations with a few people about 2 things: ONE, that I wanted to make a music video & TWO that I wanted to work with Perfume Genius. At the time, I had no idea these two things would combine into “Without You” which became my most ambitious art project to date. 6 months of experiences compressed into 2 minutes and 40 seconds.

It’s interesting to unpack and filter down the experience of this very special opportunity. Creating art during a pandemic was not only personally gratifying, but also emotionally / creatively challenging. This project tethered to Perfume Genius, an artist whose music videos & visuals I have admired for a long time, became an entirely life-shifting process and ultimately a gift of experiences & connections. It feels incredibly surreal to have accomplished something so beautiful & full of heart with an incredible group of dynamic, creative beings.

“This song is about when I liked what I saw in the mirror as it actually was, but it was brief. It wasn’t a lasting feeling. Sometimes when I look in the mirror it’s kind of a jumble to me. It’s dysmorphia. But that brief time when everything made sense was sustaining, and knowing that that’s available is comforting. To make a country song about body dysmorphia is really sick to me.”

- Perfume Genius on “Without You”

“Perfume Genius Breaks Down Every Song on His Beguiling New Album, Set My Heart on Fire Immediately”
source: Eric Torres interview with Mike Hadreas for Pitchfork, 05.15.2020

moving towards a dream

When Perfume Genius (Mike Hadreas) posted a music video contest for his song “Without You” back in May, I remember seeing it on Twitter, immediately freaking out and messaging at least 3 friends. One even told me “THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!” The terms of the contest were to submit a pitch deck for PG and then he would personally pick 3 fans to fund with $1000 each to create their music videos.

This contest followed the release of Perfume Genius’ newest album, Set My Heart on Fire Immediately. “Without You” wasn’t one of the songs I initially connected with until I learned about the meaning for Mike (looking in the mirror & for a fleeting moment, liking what he saw). I thought a lot about what that meant to me personally. I took the song for a walk in the evening and listened to it on repeat in the dark until a small fragment of a vision came through that eventually tied to another and another. Soon it was a fully formed string of three specific sequences.

During the process, I felt a lot of things bubble up about my gender identity, which I never really faced because I couldn’t find a way to express the constant battle inside me with words. Sometimes it feels like there is an entirely other identity inside of me struggling to be acknowledged and seen; it’s more complicated than a pronoun or a label can satisfy. By the time we were quarantined due to the pandemic, I was having a lot more dysmorphia in isolation and was like, “ok, what am I doing about this part of myself?” A music video was a perfect vehicle to explore that experience.

I worked nonstop on the pitch deck. I figured out what typeface PG was using on this album cycle and incorporated it into the graphic design. I photographed a small series where I cloned myself in costume to really show the concept of “the Dualist” (above). I got a lot of encouragement from filmmaking friends & I remember sending it and feeling really good, nervous and full of hope.

the concept

I wanted to explore the duality of this person as they navigated their inner world. I took a play on words (duality / dueling) and incorporated it into a fantasy anime battle scene. There were a lot of intentional odes to Revolutionary Girl Utena, which is my favorite anime from childhood. Utena completely subverts gender roles and has strongly influenced how I became myself and approached meaning and metaphor in my art. I was receiving visuals from both the accents in the song and what I knew had available / accessible to me already (fencing swords/helmets, pink and blue cosplay wigs and identical dresses I bought in Tokyo etc).

I knew I wanted to start in the Dualist’s exterior world and go inward which resulted in the mirror transition shot (the way it is presented in the final cut is exactly how I envisioned it in my head). There were a lot of things I wanted to express storytelling-wise, and had a very short timeframe to do so (2 min 30 seconds). There needed to be an understanding that we are experiencing this person in a very somber, stagnant fragile space and then transitioning into this dreamlike journey where there was movement, fluidity and expression.

I really understood in my head how I wanted the video to be structured, paced, cut, and organized from the beginning, and I developed all the storyboards (illustrated and digital) while I was waiting to hear back about the contest.

good news

I was disappointed and took what courage I had left to reach out to PG’s management and ask for permission to still create the video as a non-monetized portfolio piece.

I waited for weeks in anxiety of a response… and then I received an email that changed everything.

The email started, “Hi, it's Mike from Perfume Genius” and I remember screaming a lot. He told me my pitch deck was on the shortlist of entries and that he “felt like the world and intention behind your idea was very intact and even though there was room for it to change and shift, i could feel and see where you were going and the beginning of the world.” He told me to go for making it if I still had the energy to do so, and I definitely did.

challenges, oppression & sexism in the film industry

There is a dark side to this production and the film industry that I want to touch on because it is important to acknowledge. As the original producer “P” and I embarked on the journey of creating this vision I realized very quickly, as a white man with privilege and money, he was not very respectful or concerned about my boundaries if they didn’t match his opinion and very often overlooked my rights as an artist & person of color. I once asked him how he solved problems and he said “we just throw more money at it and it goes away.” It was one of many red flags. I had also had a conversation with him at one point about creating more roles for BIPOC individuals in the film industry and he told me, “That may be true but I am not taking on that responsibility.”

Our working styles were at odds and so were a lot of our views about what was important. Honestly I don’t think he had the time to dedicate to helping on my project, but that wasn’t the only issue. He was constantly dropping off in communication and fitting me in between calls. I was getting less than scraps. It all crescendo’ed when he left on a trip without helping me wrap up what was required for setting up crowdfunding, leaving me in a confusing space with the previous DP. At that point I was doing all of the work, on my first production, and felt constantly confused and abandoned in the process.

It ended in him pulling out entirely, 3 weeks out from production, in an hour-long phone call where he essentially gaslighted my experience (claiming he did “all the work”), that my desire to find the correct props and people for crew to fit my vision and standards was “too perfectionist.” — This in was in response to me wanting to create opportunities for a more inclusive crew, which I usually work with anyway. This was in response to him having a tantrum over not finding the right style mirror out of convenience for him. He didn’t give a shit about what was best for the vision. He also yelled at me one point saying “YOU care about COVID, I don’t care about COVID,” which is an irresponsible thing to say when we were filming in a pandemic. Textbook narcisscism & gaslighting, and an inability to admit what he hadn’t contributed… and he was power hoarding because he was fronting the cost and controlling all of the resources (location, crew, etc). This kind of behavior is unacceptable, irresponsible, and needs to be shifted within the industry.

He ended the call by insulting me in the most sexist, demeaning way possible by saying, “this project is too ambitious for you. maybe you should try moving portraiture instead.” The DP, also white, sided with the oppressor and bowed out in an email which I felt too traumatized to respond to. They didn’t consider what the loss of this opportunity meant for me as a marginalized artist.

It took me about a week to overcome the stress and shock of being so disrespected and mistreated. I had no idea how to move forward, and called every friend I knew in the film industry for guidance on how to even begin to find the right team to continue onward. Thank you to those who helped me navigate that difficult time.

dream / team

The week P abandoned the production, my friend Rachel in Tokyo DMed me & said: “I actually had a really thorough dream about you last night that you were visiting here and that you were hurt. I don’t know if it’s any consolation but myself and many people were there to save you.” I asked her to expand on that. She said, “You were telling me about how some guy blew you off and he came to the store later on and was hurting you. But all of us were there to save you.” I felt it resonate.

I had a digital art department meeting scheduled to go over ideas for the opening scene and set decoration. I felt dejected and questioned if I was making the right decision moving forward without a Producer / DP as a foundation. I was at a loss and got a call from a friend, JP, who said he wanted to help me produce as much as possible within his limitations because he knew how much of an unfortunate situation I was in. I was really so grateful he was willing to help. I went to the meeting, filling in both Meg & Sarah on what was going on and discussed some ideas for set building. They both were really supportive and I left feeling a bit more hopeful.

Finding a DP was the most challenging piece of the puzzle. I remember just looking endlessly and asking around for a week straight. I had stress insomnia & must have went through 40+ IG profiles looking for someone who had the aesthetic I wanted for “Without You”. I kept feeling disappointed until one day I reached out to my mentor to inquire if he knew anyone who worked in film in the Philly area. He led me to someone else who recommended Josh, who was a huge blessing to the project. I remember looking at his IG and feeling like “this is the guy.” His visuals and storytelling had an emotive and compelling presence. Something about the way he was presenting nature in visual form felt totally aligned with what I wanted to be present in the fabric of “Without You.” We connected over a call and hit the ground running.

everything in alignment

After JP and Josh came aboard, everything shifted. All the right people appeared. Everything came into alignment. I can’t explain it. I asked an actress friend about a choreographer and Parker appeared, who I already knew through Taylor (friend & owner of the studio we shot in). I needed rats, so a friend referred me to Joe, who was more than happy to bring his rats.

I was starting to look for a double when Joe pointed out Tammy in a photo I posted to IG stories. To my surprise, we connected instantly over anime, gender identity, and similar experiences of mistreatment by men in the arts industry. I told them what would be involved for filming the video and Tammy agreed enthusiastically, fulfilling the last missing piece of the puzzle.

IG Stories really helped me find my team. Always utilize your resources and network. Connection is endlessly expansive and therefore abundant.

One of the most important takeaways from this is experience for me is:
Your team is crucial to the success of your vision, so make sure to find the right people who understand & believe in what you are doing. Give them a framework and a guiding compass but also give them creative freedom within their areas of expertise. Aim for an atmosphere of support & trust. Encourage them to invest in the process!

elements of pre-production

There were a lot of moving parts to this film because there was a lot of storyline to convey within two and a half minutes. We broke up filming into two parts: the outdoor “field” scenes & the indoor “set” scene, each with a different set of crew members and limiting necessary crew with respect to COVID precautions.

Josh was an incredible collaborator and put in the effort to really understand the vision at a level that was in-depth, meticulous and considerate. We came up with a plan to ensure convincing establishing shots for the double, and an order for filming in so that Tammy and I would make as few costume changes as possible. He also had the idea to create a roadmap as a pacing framework which I designed to the lyrics. (below) The bulk of our time was spent getting really macro with the scenes to gain a better understanding of character motivations, and determining specific choices to inform continuity in the narrative. We often came up with multiple plans for scenes that were tricky to film depending on any number of risk factors (like the floating mirror at the end). Something I really appreciate about working with Josh is that we were really respectful of each others opinions, could take the time to come to a solution that served the vision, and communicated well while problem solving.

costume

crowdfunding

Preparation and launching crowdfunding to pay crew in the middle of everything was a lot of extra work. I had to to coordinate with the team to share it as well as make graphics and communicate consistently with others to promote. It really paid off and I am really grateful to everyone who donated and helped fund this project! Crowdfunding is a weird experience and I encourage you to do it. I feel so much love for people who invest in art projects. Supporting artists is so important.

Parker was incredibly patient with me and very forgiving of any mistakes on my choreo. I am really proud of Tammy who picked up the moves really well and also looked super cool in full costume. We practiced our moves over Zoom with Parker and solo at a distance. I think if there is anything I wished I would have had more time for, in the entire production it would have been for more choreography practice with Tammy physically to really refine the moves.

production
SEQUENCES 02 & 03
( the other world )

Day 01

This was such a chill production even though some things didn’t go according to plan. I was so grateful to the land (we filmed on Lenapehoking territory) for being such an expansive location, courtesy of JP’s dad. I remember feeling the most nervous about fencing moves, but working with Tammy was such a fun experience & having the support of the team really helped diffuse my nerves.

When JP told me it was time to say ‘that’s a wrap’ I felt unexpectedly melancholic about it. It released this pressure of having to perform the most complicated scenes (acting-wise), but these moments I had dreamed about for months for were also over. I can’t explain it, I think I had a combination of separation anxiety and no longer having the anticipation of doing the thing.

production
filming SEQUENCE 01
( the fragile world )

about the still life table

The items on the still life table were very sentimental and most had a special meaning to me. A lot of the objects on the table were brought from my apartment altars and were keepsakes from trips, people, and past photoshoots. Because this space was essentially a fantasy room of my apartment, I needed something in the room that felt both personal and nostalgic. There is a bird skull I found in Iceland, an elephant statue that belonged to my friend who died, dried gingko leaves and wood from my trips to Japan, a piyoko bird in the nest that represents the Japanese sweets I would bring back to my grandfather who passed, a broken moth that I found in the rain, scales for duality, and perfume bottles for Perfume Genius. I also arranged three dead birds as an ode to Portraits in Memory (my bird series) on the table (two birds are in the scale).

rats

Perfume Genius is obsessed with rats so therefore there had to be rats. Joe brought his rats, Daphne and Dorris Day, to star in this video. I felt like they needed to be caged in the beginning to reflect where the Dualist was at emotionally, and that the only warmth you see in the opening at all comes from the Dualist’s smile peeking out in the interaction when the rats are free.

Getting to interact with them was maybe my favorite part of the whole experience. They were so sweet and friendly. Unfortunately Dorris Day (grey) has since passed away, so I am officially dedicating this video to Dorris who will be very missed.

post-production

Post production was enjoyable because I like the editing process and I knew how I wanted to cut it from the beginning. I got the footage on a hard drive the evening before Josh and I had our first editing session and I stayed up all night putting together the first cut before he arrived the next day. I felt a lot of relief in knowing we had incredible footage to pull from to make the cut really dynamic.

Josh was incredible at finessing areas that needed refinement in the rough cut. We worked on custom color palettes based on the intended mood of both worlds. Originally, the opening world was very warm, and I requested a lot of adjustments to turn it hazy and cold because warm felt too inviting. We made the other world very pastel-saturated as a foil to the fragile world.

There were many frames I individually retouched backgrounds on while Josh worked for hours on the tracking for the mirror transition greenscreen shot. That shot took the most time to refine for various reasons and I really appreciate the work Josh and JP collectively did on it to get it where it is today. It really matches the original vision I had in my head so closely its surreal. JP also graciously came onboard to provide some SFX particle work for the mirror ending.

lessons from filmmaking

on Directing / Art Directing

I think this may be obvious but it’s really important to have a critical understanding of the vision you’re trying to articulate and resonate into multiple people’s brains at varying degrees, especially the people who are responsible for showing it accurately in visual form. You need to be able to explain why you want something a certain way, or why something has to stay in the cut or why you want a specific look to a prop to reflect a mood. People will always try and take away from your vision, whether it be for timing, efficiency, budget or convenience, and you really need to have confidence to fight for what needs to stay present to determine and shape the final experience.

I am someone who is hyper-fixated on details and insert a lot of personal meaning into things. I very much reject how faster “build-and-burn” productions function and are based in so many elements of white supremacy culture, and so I am a lot more deliberate in being thoughtful, meticulous, and specific about how I want things done, which I think can be easily misunderstood to people who don’t understand my intentional way of working. I’m a lot more concerned with the quality and the emotion of the final experience versus having a big budget to do it in two days.

on Trust

Staying true to the vision and having trust with your team are the two critical elements of making a film. When things inevitably get confusing or don’t go according to plan, you need to have trust in yourself first and also in your team to come together and make the magic happen. Mutual trust so important. Even in the moments where there were challenges, everyone worked through it from a respectful place of understanding and support. My trust was totally broken with the initial people I started this journey with, so recovering trust in both men from the industry and also with a team in general is something I really do not take for granted. It taught me that there are still people out there who will work with you in a way that feels safe and meaningful.

creating with mental illness

I have a lot of compassion for the people on my team who understood how to effectively communicate with me as someone who struggles with anxiety, depression and a lot of emotion. For every part of this film that felt very achievable production-wise, I definitely had to battle my own personal mental illness a lot of the time to get things done and also make it through to the end without quitting. There are a lot of unproductive, negative thoughts that disrupt my creative process, which I am learning how to fight back against all the time. I think, even with the frustrations that I experienced personally due to my own mind, I tried to ensure my team still knew how much I really valued their individual contributions to the process and that I was doing my best.

in closing

Filmmaking is quite honestly magic & I think everyone should have this experience at least once in their lifetime. You’re manipulating light and movement and image to tell a story that hopefully moves people or sparks an emotion.

For a first time making a visual film, I feel very accomplished. The concept always felt very possible in my head, and although it was ambitious, it did not feel intimidating in its execution because I trusted the combined abilities of myself and my team. I am grateful for reminders from fellow filmmaking friends how much I really challenged myself. This was something I always knew I could do and now I can show that to the world.

I am very lucky to have a team who really helped me execute my vision and let me work in a way that felt safe and respectful. I keep saying this because it meant so much to me. I still can’t believe we were able to create this wild artistic vision during a global pandemic. I am truly, truly grateful.

I really hope that if you have a dream, whether it is to make visual films or otherwise, that you don’t let closed doors of any kind stop you. If there is something you want, never stop fighting for it and create it on your own terms. And as David Lynch says, always have final cut.

keep dreaming.
xo, Allis

“Without You” is out now on Perfume Genius’ Youtube Channel,
courtesy of Matador Records.